I don’t want to talk about Jess. I want to keep her to myself. She’s been shared now in the wrong way. Everyone should remember her not the accident but people have only heard of the accident and right now I don’t want to share her the way she deserves. Everyone is allowed to know her. Everyone should. But I’m not ready to accept that everyone now believes that they deserve to sympathise in the situation. I miss her.
I do not like cute. I have just had the whole week where everything has either been pronounced super cute, beautiful and/or amazing. I refuse to enter another home wear shop where the maker has artistically made a dustpan handle into the shape of a women’s head and make it so cute. So as much as all you want me to put here is a photo and then an explanation of what I’ve done, I can’t do that.
I’m not ok. I’m quite depressed to say the truth. It’s not just Jess. I can acknowledge that that hurt is for love and so I’m ok to go on hurting for her. Because she’s able to look down and just know that I love her. Which is more than I ever would have been able to explain or describe to her. This way is easier and harder and unfair.
I’m coming home. Just after my parents come. I now couldn’t care less what anyone else thinks as to why. Let those who don’t know me or what I’m going through right now think it’s all for Jess. Because she deserves that. I look at the next five months and what I still have to do and be here and I cry. I have another life here. It wasn’t that I couldn’t do it. I was coming back to a family and a place. It’s that I love my real life. The Rotary lady said to me as she came to the airport the day I left ‘Anyway, going back makes you stronger eh?’ She was trying I’ll give her that but I don’t actually accept that. Howdoes it make you stronger? Through isolation? It makes you stronger to leave a problem or situation back to something that is considered a holiday and simply grow a thicker skin against the terrible thing you did by running and so hurting yourself and others? I don’t want to accept that. I don’t want that to happen to me. I do not want to run from this. And so I just do not want to be here right now.
Staying apparently makes me stronger but leaving doesn’t make me weak either. I’m most likely going to regret this one day. Regret is a part of life. You don’t appreciate things if you haven’t regretted something and that takes real strength to admit that. It takes real strength to make the decision to leave something and know that it’s for the right reasons. I want to go home because I love what I have there. I want to come home and start my life. Quite frankly I miss it all. I miss my family and home and friends and my boy. I found my limits. I’m at my limits end right now with everything.
So I just wanted to say that before I showed my happy photos of what I’ve done. Because in the background behind the camera I am most likely crying. I don’t want to hurt you or make you think oh what can I do to help her. I’m the one who actually got on the plane. I didn’t go through with my plan of a runner. I’m the one who can say at any moment no it’s too much and just leave. I’m the one who has decided to stay til September. But September only. I refuse to take anymore than that. But I don’t want to keep talking about that I’m sad. I know I decided this myself and I can live with my decision. I can survive here. I’m just very sad to do it right now.
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thank you for writing this.
I love love love you.
I hope you will change your mind and stay.
My exchange was in the pre-contact days of the intermanet, and we didn’t have a phone at home ( oh yeah ), so it was ye olde letter writing. I think it would be better these days, but now i’m not so sure ( with so much contact, is it possible to really get away and immerse ? )
Anyway, I hope you will forgive me – but please try and see it out.
xx
Nobody can tell you what makes you stronger or weaker. Life is about making decisions based upon YOUR feelings. You win or fail based upon the decision you make, but provided you have made a decision on the information you had at the time you can do no more than that. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that you get over the loss of a friend, you don’t. The only thing that happens is that time diminishes the feeling. Have no regrets at your age.
You made the decision to pursue this exchange and at the time you thought this to be the best decision. If events have proven to you that you have not made the best decision then it takes a strong person to put her hand up and say this is not for me.
I will strongly support any decision that you make. I do not have to tell you how I feel about you, you know that.
h&b – No I wont stay it out. You were an exchange student. You know what it’s like. And I can’t live that life right now and so I’m going. Don’t worry if you don’t understand my reasons. I don’t want to share why. I just know that I’m doing the right thing for me and staying is only going to hurt me more. So I’m doing what I can in this situation and I’m going home.
Grandad – Calm down, don’t worry. I learnt that. I can only do and decided based on how I feel. I can only live to what I will let myself do.
Ashleigh – I am a friend of your mother who lives in England – I admire you enormously for the way that you have lived through the time since Jess died. I hope that there will be very few times in your life that are as difficult as this but whatever happens from now on you will know that you have the strength to make decisions for yourself and that everyone in your family loves you and will support you.
For what it is worth I think that you are doing exactly the right thing .
ash – not up to you to convince me or even worry if I care ( and glad you didn’t take it in the wrong light !
.
I admire anyone who knows what’s best for themselves and takes the inititiative to do something about it. That’s you.
No explanation necessary.
( take care ! )
Okay Ashy. You and I made a bet about 5 yrs ago girlie and it’s time. Upon your timely arrival we are watching that “Bargearse” video of your parents. The deal was I bet you 50 bucks it would make you laugh when you turned 17. You strongly believed you wouldn’t. Lucky Grills in a towelling track suit , Thelma Thighblaster and a shitload of dim sims would make the toughest pee themselves. I’m warming up the video Belle….come on down!
That Bargearse comment above made me laugh outloud!!
It is up to you with your decision to move on. Good for you. At least you have given it a go and have already experienced a great time in Europe… You are very lucky (which I know you already know!), not only because of the opportunities you’ve already had and the experiences you’ve had in France, but because of your lovely parents & bro.
Try your best to keep your chin up and enjoy life as much as you possibly can. Life is short. Grab life by the shoulders and think positive thoughts. Townsie will be glad to have you back in September.